Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Fat Girl

I know I should love myself. I hear it frequently from those body positive instagram posts with the barely overweight women who are seemingly perfect in every way. Generally, if I say something even remotely body positive about myself, I get the usual "Don't glorify obesity, it's unhealthy and should be treated as such." I look to them and then I look to myself in the mirror. All I see are rolls, stretch marks, and space that I shouldn't take up by existing. I see myself, bare and naked.... and ugly. 
This is something I've struggled with for a long, LONG time. Since elementary school, even. Why am I big and the other girls little? I've noticed over the years that I don't get taken seriously, as a woman with a tremendous amount of weight. I know that if a smaller woman and a bigger woman are interviewed for the same job, with the same qualifications, the smaller woman will most likely get the job. Why am I constantly overlooked? It's like people do not take me as seriously as one would a smaller woman. 
Why do I have to be this way? I've worked for many years to shed inches off of myself, but it never seems to work. I'm apparently never on the right diets or whatever. I've accepted the fact that I am just big. It seems like nothing I do works, nothing I try helps. 
In high school, I was NEEDLESSLY attacked for no god damn reason whatsoever other than being overweight. When I rode the school bus, no one would sit with me because I took up a lot of space because of my big ass. A lot of the time girls did not want to associate themselves with me because I looked like I had let myself go and that I didn't care about my appearance. Well, I do. I have never felt beautiful in my entire life. 
I don't like to being comforted for being fat. I hate myself and my body. I don't like being told, "You're not fat!" Yes, I am. I have fat, therefore I am fat. I hate looking for clothes, because they are never in my size and if they are, they are extremely overpriced. I hate being in public with my fiance, because even though we are around the same weight, he is smaller than me. He takes up less space than I do and I feel like people around us notice that too. I feel like he could do so much better than me. 
I hate how the tv shows and movies portray fat people. I don't like that someone of my size is considered comic relief on television. Take for example, on the hit TV show, "Friends", Monica has went through a tremendous amount of weight loss. However, when she was overweight, she wasn't taken seriously as a person who people could be attracted to. She wasn't seen as beautiful. Now she is seen as beautiful, because she is thin. I started crying after that episode because I was appalled. Is that how people see me, because I am big? 

I hate the backhanded compliments I've gotten over the years.
"You're pretty for a fat girl." 
"You have a nice face for a fat chick." 
"I'm into fat girls." 
"You don't eat much for a fat girl." 


I hate myself with everything in my huge, gross being. 

Why do I look like this? 

I am so fucking tired of hating myself. I can only think of few things that I like about myself. I am relatively nice to everyone I meet. I'm incredibly artistic. I'm pretty strong for someone who doesn't constantly lift weights. I'm pretty strong for dealing with the constant shit I have gotten throughout my lifetime from family members, peers, and even past relationships because of my size. 

I am a size 20. I have an overhanging stomach. I have huge thighs. I have bingo wings. I take up a fair amount of space and I hate every part of my appearance. 

I hate my acne, I hate my teeth, I hate my boobs, stomach, ass, arms, legs, back, and feet. I learned how to do makeup like all of the girls at my high school did because I wanted to look pretty for once in my god damn pathetic life. 

I'll never be beautiful and I accept that. I will never accept myself.